Hares: Pee Wee Weenie and Goofy Fucking Cunt Extraordinaire
Box: Barrigada Heights
On-Home: Near the Admiral Nimitz Golf Course
Don't listen to reports claiming this week's hash turnout was small while most of the hash was in Rota. Anyone who came to the PDN could see that Guam was filled loyal stalwarts who put Guam First by staying here. Just Mel and I bought positions were appointed as haberdasher and hash cash, and let me tell you, we did a spectacular job. Under my watchful eye, only $999 went missing from the hash cash, well under the $1,000 being reported by the mainstream media.
At the PDN, Goofy told us that the trail would go to the biggest, best waterfall on Guam. I did not see any waterfalls at all, and in fact remember a dull trail consisting of 50% pavement and 80% abandoned golf course, but Goofy said giant waterfall, and that is what she believes, so it must be true. #alternativetrail. Other than the huge waterfall that must have been there, the best part of trail was at the box, where Slurpee was forced to dance in order to earn back the speedos he had lost on the full moon. I am pleased to report the monitor lizard dance is back.
Doctor Doolittle established his authority as our Tyrant in fine form, with a beautiful speech in which he explained how he would Make Guam Great Again and did not ramble or sound even the slightest bit insane. Everyone is talking about how great his speech was, especially the part about building a wall around Australia.
Despite the Tyrant's best efforts, some foreigners did manage to slip in. We had a visiting hasher from Australia who was very disrespectful, he brought no gifts, it was very unfair. There was an Italian Stallion FNG who told a very long and totally incomprehensible joke (he should have just showed us his penne), and brought his two friends, a super ekgo' Chamorro kid and his terrified girlfriend.
Honestly I could go on and on about all the wonderful things that happened at religion, which was the best religion ever, really fantastic, but everyone already knows that. It was so great that Just James, who was on duty at the hospital, killed all his patients just to get off work and join us. He is now Doctor Kevorkian. I hope you traitors who went to Rota are able to realize that the hashers who stayed here won the hash, you lost, and you should just support everything we want to do because we are the best and the smartest.
On on to the 1811!
What happens on the hash stays on the hash, except when it's written in the hash trash. Seriously, don't question the hash trash and don't get your hash news anywhere else because everyone else is lying to you.