Headline: Not liking any American options, the AH3 turns to Britain for their new tyrant: Drip Lip. Long may he reign!
Sub-Headline: Tyrant BiBubbleYum abdicates power after finally getting all the words to the FNG speech right
sub-sub-headline: AH3 makes cancer suck $1668 less!
November 5, 2016
Hares: Bambi, Fucking Rebar, bee-atch, and BiBubbleYum (celeb hare)
Box: Top of the mar
On-home: reservoir by the cemetery on Nimitz
Big News up front
Between shirt sales and donations, we raised 1668 American dollars to help tell cancer to suck it. It's good to remind ourselves that there's more to us than just being really, really, ridiculously good-looking.
Trail summary: at the box, the hares set a special "J4" mark. Apparently it meant "jump for it" but I think that's still up for debate. On trail, in the river valley, we came upon the "4J" mark, which Bambi told me later stood for, "jump, it's 4 feet deep." Who knows, but there was something to jump off of as well as a pretty hairy climb down a gushing waterfall, so I'm giving this trail a passing grade.
What it had in fun, it lacked in originality as almost everyone knew where we'd end. Minstrel, Likes Cock, and Trampoline went hare hunting slash shopping for shorts and flew down Nimitz road. They find Bee-atch, who had somehow forgotten to set some marks on the road and was given up as the virgin sacrificial hare. The rest of the mute of hares made it to the on-home and were looking pretty smug when the hunting party showed up. Ha-ha, we wrote in the run number and are drinking our beers, suck it! But Minstrel, being the good lawyer that he is, went over to look at the run number. #1695. Hmmm, that looks odd. Like 2 years ago odd. Both bambi and BBY got snared due to a typo. Fucking Rebar meanwhile was still out there. He burst through the jungle into the on-home. Minstrel and LIkes Cock both tried to grab him, but he was wearing a greased-up singlet and slipped through, caught a beer from Darth Y'all, who was just there ready to foil Minstrel's attempt, and made it home safe.
When Brovaltine was late with the pallets, the pack had a lot of time to stand around in the dark contemplating who was going to be next in line for the AH3 throne. Once religion got underway, we had our answer: WANKER! BibubbleYum gave up the throne to Wanker and chaos ensued. Try to follow the political trail: Wanker gets the vessel, starts yelling a lot. He then appoints Tube Top Teaser as his RA because, quote, "YOU GOT ME INTO THIS FUCKING MESS!" About 30 second later, still ranting, he fires Tube Top because, quote, "YOU GOT ME INTO THIS FUCKING MESS!" Another 10 seconds of ranting and Wanker quits and gives up the tyrancy to Drip Lip, thus making Wanker the William Henry Harrison of tyrants (super short reign, geez, read a book).
Being colonies wasn't that bad, was it?
It should not be surprising that, considering our toxic political climate in America, the AH3 said, we see your backward move USA, and we raise you. We're going back to British rule! And Drip Lip was ready. He had a crown and everything. Drip Lip then gave a detailed account of his cutthroat political deeds that he performed to get to the top. Over a year ago, he orchestrated a car crash in Indonesia to try to take out four of our elders. Then, in February, Bambi "accidentally" fell off Beaver's tree house and almost died. But still that wasn't enough and BBY and Greasy became the royal couple. So, just last month, he secretly rented out their house so that they'd have no place to live and be forced to leave. Finally, the crown is his! Bwahahahaha!
Drip Lip promptly re-hired all of the previous mismanagement and made us down a beer after taking a loyalty oath. "I, state your name." (all) "I, state your name"). Except he sorta messed up names when he appointed yours truly as RA. That's right, I'm now the Grover Cleveland of RAs (two non-consecutive terms, duh. read a book already). Drip Lip called me Brovaltine, and for a second, Brovaltine's eyes lit up and the rest of the crowd let out a collective groan. Ooops, sorry, too many bro-names. Falsetbro = RA + Hash Trash. Equally important, our new Tyrant added an official position: Hash Crack,and he institutionalized Grundle Bundle as the formal butt chugging ass crack. There were a lot of chatty Cathys that night, so Likes Cock, Three Strokes, and one other were the first to do a butt chug out of the new Hash Crack (all at the same time).
Okay, this one is hard. It's been almost 4 years since a sitting tyrant abdicated because he was leaving (last was Lady Backwash at the 1600). But this time it was worse as Greasy Poon is of course leaving too. It's not often that such an honorable hash couple leaves us. You couldn't get two more true hashers than these two. They set trails, they ran them, they drank, they partied, and they gave back to the hash as members of mismanagement.
In addition to being Tyrant, BiBubbleYum was a 3-time Bro-run hare, which obviously is the most important part of his hash resume. He got his name from E.T. Sex, who was the only person who thought BiBubbleYum would be a funny name for Just Jeremy wearing a bright pink shirt. Still one of the worst names in AH3 history. Always good for a joke, a pun, or a legitimately funny tail from the trail, he'll leave a big hole around the fire.
Meanwhile, Greasy Poon, in addition to being RA and hab-dash before that, is a total badass harriette. She follows in a long line of AH3 female badasses, and her presence at the front of the pack will be sorely missed. Most importantly though is her uncanny ability to get girls to show their tits. Case in point: Gummy Whore and Cow Whisperer, two ladies who had NEVER EVER shown before, did so in Greasy's honor. The AH3 will be a little more clothed without you Greasy.
Judging from the huge line at their shoedown, I'm not going to be the only one who is going to miss them a lot.
On-on to the #1796, and, if I counted right, on-on to the #2007 (the first run after Election Day 2020)
"The PENis mightier."