Headline: 2016 Halloween picture-based hash proves to be monumentally more successful than its 2012 counterpart
Sub-headline: semi-homeless guys provide plot to this week's episode of "when hashing gets awkward"
October 29, 2016
Hares: Greasy Poon and Tube Top Teaser
Box: Royal Orchid Hotel parking lot
On-home: grass field by abandoned homes by the roundabout
Trail summary: for those of you who weren't here in 2012, Rock and Roll Hall of Maim and Triple E, who always try to be on the cutting edge of haring, set a halloween Picture hash. No marks, just have one picture at the start, then follow it to your next destination. Sounds easy, cept when the pictures are just the gray side of a building and people don't necessarily know the area. It was just as shitty as it sounds. Fast forward four years, and these hares had the concept down much better. At the box we had to split into groups of 5-10 hounds, each group had a leader (I obviously immediately became ours and quashed all dissent), and groups were given identical cards that contained multiple tasks. We had to record these via photo or video on a singular phone, and then the back of the card told us where to go when finished. For example, card 1 had things like: 1) take video of playing catch with tourist with these pictured toy balls; 2) video of one of your guys wearing a women's duster, 3) take picture of this can of weird Japanese beans, etc. Then, the back of the card said go to the roof.
Obviously, this meant Kmart. Shenanigans started almost immediately as 60+ hashers in costume stormed the aisles. Brototype was first up the Kmart hill. The light was red, but no matter, he sprinted across 6 lanes of traffic. When the rest of us went in, TFI and I found the Japanese beans first and took a can. Minstrel was right behind us and proceeded to take the rest of the cans off the shelf, shove them into his basket, and take off so no other team could get a photo. (Brototype and NoShowBro tried the same thing with the lube, but alas, there was just too much lube for even those two dudes to go through). We also learned that a duster, which should be a sweet long cowboy jacket (reference "It's always sunny in Philadelphia"), is instead a moo-moo in women's asian clothing-speak. Lame.
After Kmart, there were two more sets of cards with other various things to take photos, videos, or actual things of. Hashers manned/womanned shot and beer stops along the way. The spookiest had to be the devil's punch bowl, or the huge crater at the top of the Hilton hill. Bimbo T Baggins and co were among the later groups to get there, where Cow Whisperer and Soul Sucker were handing out vodka gummy worms. Then, along comes random, semi-homeless (?) guy. Hey, you girls wanna smoke some weed? Uh, no, we're okay, thanks ("that's too bad, 'cause it'd be better if you diiiiiid.") Then, his weed sales pitch exhausted, our dude goes in towards the Devil's Punch Bowl. Bimbo T Baggins looks in, and all of a sudden, he's squatting and naked. GARGOYLING RETURNS! No idea what or why this guy was there doing what he was doing (I'm hoping gargoyling, which, to those unawares, is perched on a high place silently masturbating). Cow Whisperer and Soul Sucker also saw it. Then along came Grundle Bundle (dressed as Moses), and of course he had to take a look, just not too close of a look. This is not a made-up story. But I bet Bimbo and co wishes it was.
Religion was in a field just outside an abandoned house by the Tamuning roundabout. Well, maybe only kinda sorta abandoned. A few more semi-homeless (?) guys saw some of our cold beer cans and came out of the woodwork wondering what was going on. Tyrant, smart enough to know that he'd rather them be around our circle than rummaging through our cars, invited them to the circle (they even paid their $6 each). And they obliged by bringing their hey-we-don't-talk-to-many-normal-people-too-often charm. Seeing Cow Whisperer trying politely but unsuccessfully to extricate herself from a conversation with one of the guys trying to run game on her was worth the $6 by itself. They did some of the most awkward FNGing in a while, but one of the guys burned his shirt, so maybe he wasn't homeless after all.
Like always, costumes were on point. Viagra, Toe Stroker, and Drip Lip formed a terrible trio as members of the Faith Militant while Bubbles and Just David formed the Ambiguously Gay Duo of Ace and Gary (their group was the only one that stopped at the dirty mattress for a bang stop).
The winner of the scavenger hunt was Fern Merkin's group despite the manic panicking of her group-member PC, who was doing a class 5 flip-out when their photographer, Just Caitlin, had gone to get her car. Where is she?! Her car?! What?! I want her here now!! Right now! If she doesn't turn in those photos the sky will start falling!!!!!!!! Haggan Daggan scared the shit out of us when he came rushing through the tall grass, into the middle of the circle, chainsaw blaring, chasing a banana-costumed Blowhole. Somehow he was running even though Jack Shit just had him neutered (vasectomied) last week. High five you two! No kids and disposable income for you both for the next 20+ years!
On-on to the 1795! (Cancer sucks: $6 run, $20 shirt)
Falsetbro
"What happens on the hash, stays on the hash...except when it's written in the hash trash."