top of page

DH3: Longest Night of the Year

December 23, 2016

Hares: Blowhole, Falsetbro, Sweet Pea

Box: GPO food court

On-home: Hash beach

The 5th rendition of the Longest Night of the Year, the flagship of the darksides, once again did not disappoint. Being so close to Christmas, the pack was decked out in yuletide gear. Drip Lip brought the inflatable deer along (which Mana Montana stole but dedicatedly kept it with the pack til just about the end) and off we went!


The American Legion (stop #2): when a pack of 40+ invades a sleepy bar with the same 5 customers glued to their bar stools night after night, it's always a win. Somehow, courtesy of some Blowhole connections, we found a new watering hole right in the heart of Tamuning

Moscow Mule Jell-O shots (stop #3): honor to Cow Whisperer for opening up her home (well, Heard it Through the Rapevine's home) and making these delicious concoctions

The loop-de-loop (stop #6 and #7): the hares on-backed at Easys because it was locked, only to learn later that five minutes after, it magically opened up and half the pack stopped there while the other half continued into the underbelly of the Hafa Adai Exchange. How to bring the pack back together? A classic loop-de-loop maneuver, perfectly executed by the hares. Leave, make the trail long enough to get everyone out of the bar but not so long where ppl catch up to you while you're hiding, stand in the shadows while Minstrel flies in your direction, wait til he leaves, then put the trail right back to the same bar where no one is left. Then sit smugly and wait for the pack to return.

The ice luge (stop #9): Honor to NoShowBro and Brototype for being the second house stop and successfully engineering an ice luge: a block of ice with two carved out paths down it to pour shots into while eager mouths await it at the bottom. We went through an entire bottle of XO, some absinthe, and god knows what else.

Human gingerbread (stop #10): at the very next stop, at the house of Fern Merkin, Bimbo T. Baggins and myself, the pack gathered for a naughty vs nice human gingerbread decorating context. One volunteer for each team to be the cookie, plus four decorators each to spray WHipped cream, chocolate sauce, marshmallows, and whatever else to make the best cookie possible. Right away Team Naughty had the clear advantage by not fighting gravity and getting their guy on the ground instead of standing up (Trampoline being the brains of that team). They won in a landslide while the rest of the pack enjoyed the upsidedown shot of marshmallow vodka and chocolate syrup.

Ice-blocking (stop #12): we warm weather kids didn't have sledding, so instead, the equivalent was ice-blocking. I haven't done this since High School, but it was even more fun than I remember. Honor to Long One for stashing a block of ice at the top of the grassy Hilton Hill. All you had to do is sit on the block of ice, put your feet up, and try to hold on as you fucking fly down the hill. Then carry the block back up the hill for the next person. The hares bought some extra bags of ice and made an ice runway with a cardboard toboggan made from leftover beer cases for a slightly slower but still amazing slide. Bloody Cycle was carrying a stolen sign that worked even better as a toboggan. We must have spent at least a half an hour here because drunkenly careening down a muddy hill on a block of ice is just too damn fun. Dirtnapper, visiting us, saw the block of ice and immediately pulled his pants down because, quote, "that's what you're supposed to do when you see a block of ice." He had the best run of the night by managing to stay on the block all the way down to the crowd around the cooler at the bottom of the hill. According to him and Slope and Grope, the next day the hill looked like a torn up mess. Well done ice-blockers!

On-home at Hash Beach (stop #18): after bouncing around in Tumon, it all of a sudden was past 2am and time to wrap up this little adventure. Honor to FaceJam who had to work and was sober, which allowed her to drive Sweet Pea's car from the Hilton Hill to the Hash Beach parking lot. Pussy Control had made Jell-O shots, and the 14ish or so of us who made it to the end were treated for a beautiful calm ocean interrupted only by a naked Long One coming up to shore for another beer. 18 stops doesn't come close to breaking the record we set a few years ago on the bus at 25, but with quality stops, the DH3 once again owned the night.

Honor to all the helpers who made these logistics somehow work. At about 6pm that night, Sweet Pea, Blowhole, and I were gathered at my place trying to figure out how to make all this happen. Sweet Pea silenced us and said, "here's what we're going to do. We're going to get drunk, and we're going to improvise." Done. Honor to Just Bina for learning what a fluffer was (she got named Santa's Little Fluffer). And honor to the pack, who eschewed family, other friends, and shopping to take over Tamuning and Tumon.


bottom of page