November 19, 2016
Hares: Fucking Tampon and Just Caitlin
Box: Nimitz Hill, Turner Road Playground
On -home ver 1.0: Beach across from Piti Power Plant
On-home 2.0: Just Caitlin’s house
Headline: Another Saturday in November, another trail on Nimitz Hill
Sub headline: Beach across Piti Power Plant is now a “port of entry” to Guam – Who knew?
Sub-sub headline: Gratitude!
Cow Whisperer here - filling in for regular Hash Trash this week. I had this whole thing planned about comparing this trail to the recent election – with slogan puns: #makethistrailgreatagain #feeltheburn (up this hill), and #I’mwithher! (as the pack kept dividing and uniting again). But just like the campaign, this trail was just a little too long, a little too confusing, and we all just couldn’t wait to get it over with – and start drinking. So instead, in the spirit of Thanksgiving – Gratitude!
Nimitz hill has many great spots for many great trails, and so I suppose you can’t blame the hares for choosing it for a November run. Grateful for a short drive to a pretty spot!
As I walked up to the box and looked around, it was great to see some longtime hashers who’ve been gone for a while – Sawbones, Hulk Hogan, Gangbanger – but I was a bit surprised at how many new dudes were there. I mean, I did miss last week, but only the one, so where did all these guys come from? Something was off though.
Slowly it dawned on me – it’s late November. Or should I say, Mo-vember. So nope! Not new hashers, just a bunch of regulars in their full on 3 week ‘staches. Ahh, Movember… that wonderful time of year when our militree friends remind us of the old adage: just because you can grow a mustache, doesn’t mean you should. Really folks, I’m all for some well-groomed hipster beards and sexy scruff, but creeper/pedo/porn-staches? Not the best look for…9 out of 10? But in the spirit of gratitude…nice try, guys! Way to call attention to Men's Health issues!
Trail: After giving a semi-rousing “you might need to give fellow hashers a helping hand” speech – meaning, this trail is easy for tall folks, shorties, you’re kinda screwed – FT and Just Caitlin took off uphill.
Trail was set in flour, orange and red tape, and checks. Many, many checks. The checks did a good job of keeping the pack together, especially in the tall swordgrass – which went on for a while. There was some grumbling about this from FRBs (and FRwannaBs). As someone who is often in the back of the back, it just never gets old to see the FRBs running to and fro frantically trying to blow through checks and “win” the hash (race-ists!) – passing me and my middle-to-back pack hashers more than once (or on this trail – 5 times). It’s also super fun to hear “Oh man – now we’re behind the slow pack” as they come up behind you (cough*Brovaltine*cough). But on the upside – I did get to be on trail with Viagra more than I ever have before, and got a couple of proper Viagra ass-smacks too! Thanks V! So it all evens out.
The Turkey-Eagle split seemed to be just running opposite ways around a hill, was followed by a semi-treacherous/slippery climb down a pretty waterfall - which probably should have been the Eagle. It was, in fact the very place where tall hashers could help out their fellow less-tall hashers. Slippery rocks, not exactly great hand/footholds, and a 4-6 foot drop at the end. (Why wasn’t this the eagle again?) I gratefully received a helping hand at the bottom – from one of the mustached bros. Not sure who - but here’s to you, Mustache Bro! Hashers helping hashers! It happened, Tampon. And he was wearing a go-pro, so somewhere it’s all on video.
The rest of trail went down to the Masso reservoir for a beer stop and on through the river, ending at the beach across from the Piti Power plant.
Hurray! On home at the beach!
A mere 2 weeks in to the new regime and already both new Tyrant Drip Lip and semi-new RA Falsetbro were absent (#wtfguys?) – as was Songmaster Mintsrel. ET Vaj Tube Top filled in and tapped Two-Beer Queer as her RA – but even with their best efforts, religion started off pretty subdued. A visiting hasher from Diego Garcia had neither a joke nor a song, and didn’t quite get the vague third option: “show your junk”. Viagra helped the dude out by demonstrating, and which worked like a charm. Dicks out for the chicks! Again, thanks V!
FNG’s were a bit low energy, but went 3 for 4 on dicks out, and just as we got to the last (female) FNG, we got word from the Port Police that all cars were going to be cited and we would have to leave. The crowd began to chatter and disperse, when Just Caitlin yelled – “My house is right over THERE - across the bay!” so Tyrant TTT pulled us all together, we cleaned up and moved out. Honor to teamwork!
Religion 2.0 –slightly smaller and more streamlined, but way more fun than version 1.
A smaller group stuck it out, we had a fire in no time and we resumed with tales from the trail. RA 2 Beer was determined to be the drunkest and funniest of them all (I’d say 1 for 1 on that). The hares were accused of shitty trail (of course), and Just Caitlin was accused of planning the “on home at my house” thing the whole time. Of course not, she wouldn’t do that! She had even put a sign on her door that this was NOT the on home to help out wayward flyers. (true – I saw it). She is just so nice! Such a caring hare! A Care Hare! …Yeah – we tried (Just Jodie, Darth Y’all, myself) tried to get that going, but of course to no avail. It’s just too nice to be her hash name! (she is super nice though)
Anyway, I digress. While both Religions featured plenty of dicks out for the chicks, it was getting late and still no tits out for the boys - and certain mustache bros were getting grumpy (cough *Thumper* cough). “I haven’t seen any tits ALL night!” (whining) pretty much every time a lady was at the vessel. Because, you know what gets a chick to show her tits? Badgering. Totally works every time. (#sarcasm)
Enter Darth Y’all. Using her Darth/Jedi Powers for good(?), reminding Just Caitlin that her brother was gone, so she was free to free her boobies for all. And she did. Behold the power of Darth Y’all! Saving religion for the mustache bros with, well, logic.
Soon after religion closed and sport drinking began, and as we were in a great spot already, the ononon commenced. Slap cup, pizza, volleyball – overall a pretty great end to a shaky start.
SO! Let’s all give thanks to run 1797: reminding us that just because you can grow a mustache doesn’t mean you should, that keeping the pack together is great for everyone, that if at first you don’t succeed at an on home site, try, try again, that beer and rum and bonfires by the beach are always great, and, lastly, for bringing us one step closer the 1800!
On-on to the 1798!