Headline: Not sure if this counts as a full run BECAUSE NO ONE FINISHED TRAIL!
Sub-headline: Virgin hares break rookie record for most fuck-ups in one trail
October 1, 2016
Hares: Trail Snatcher and Corn-man on the cob
Okay, let's get right to it:
[This space intentionally left blank]
Accusation 1: Setting trail in Merizo, in October.
-The box was by the school in Merizo. The only place further south is fucking Ko'Ko's
Accusation 2: Setting a trail in Merizo (in October) that ends all the way in Umatac
-The on-home was by the water tank by the fire station across from Ft Soledad
Accusation 3: virgin hares with no supervision
-Trail Snatcher helped set a red dress. That's it. WTFuck trailmaster?
Accusation 4: horrible combo name run
-The Corn-Snatcher Run. No. Just no.
The Ugly: The no-look check
-A couple weeks ago Tampon and Greasy set a Berserk through this same area. It was set in blue tape. These hares were on the same mountain, re-used some of the Berserk marks. But, at the top of one of the Mt. Schroeder peaks (why is it always Schroeder?!), Corn Man put a check. He set marks left. But he never fucking looked right to see the blue berserk marks going right!! This means that NO ONE FINISHED THIS PIECE OF SHIT TRAIL. So here’s what happened:
Group 1: The FRBs (Viagra, Tyrant, RA, Grundle Bundle, and Haggan Daggan)
-Let me say at the outset that any TomFuckery on this trail was not Viagra’s fault. He gets to the check, sees marks right (the berserk ones), and goes right. He’s followed by Greasy, BBY, Grundle, and Haggan Daggan. Then the blue marks turn to yellow. Now Greasy knows they’re on the old Berserk, but they’re already down at the Geus river. Shit.
-Too late to turn back with not a lot of daylight. They hit the Geus, jump out at the road. Chariot ride back to the cars after dark.
Group 2: The butt-pee-ers (Minstrel, Where’s the Lube, Toxic Shock, and Just Jimmy)
-This group follows the FRBs, gets into the Geus, starts getting eaten by little fucking red ants. Just Jimmy’s butt is itching like crazy. He thinks back to the one Discovery channel program he saw once (or that episode of Friends) and remembers that peeing on a jelly fish sting helps. He decides that pee is the new universal tonic and asks Minstrel to Pee on (not in) his butt. Minstrel does and does an ET field-naming of Just Jimmy: Pee on my Butt. This inspired me to make a song in remembrance:
Just call on me brother, when you’re in a fix,
We all need somebody to pee on
I just might have some urine, and your butt cheeks itch
We all need somebody to pee on
The butt pee-ers do the Geus, hit the road, eventually make it to the cars after dark.
Group 3: Team Smug (Drip Lip, Fern Merkin, FaceJam, and me)
-At the top top of Schroeder, we 4 see the pack going to the next ridge, hanging a right at the worst check in the history of checks. We see a ridge directly to our right and the down below we see the neighborhood where the cars are. I’ve been bonding with Drip Lip all morning on our own scout, and the two Christinas are game. Let’s hypotenuse this bitch.
-We start going down, leaving some others at the top (more on them later), already feeling really smug about how awesome this fly is going to be. Drip Lip and I are going a bit fast so Fern Merkin tells us she’s a little slow. When we don’t slow down, she’s like, “and, I’ve got the only light.” Screeeech. Right this way Ms Merkin.
-We also do the Geus, hit the road, and wonder how awesome our fly is. Not 30 seconds later we see Viagra running toward us. Victory! The walk back wasn’t bad, mostly because right as we turned to start up the big hill toward the cars, a knight on a white steed arrives. Well, in this case, it was McPeanut in FUPA’s old white truck. But who cares. No hill to climb.
Time out onto the road: ~7pm
Time out before groups 4 and 5: 30-60minutes
Smug level: upper-deec
Group 4: the beer walkers (Bambi, Goni, Stalk Market and others)
-This group did what most others did. Hit the check the wrong way. Geus out to the road. But, because Goni came late and hadn’t paid hash cash, they had 12 bucks for beer at the shell station. Hooray! Except a 12 pack was $12.99. Boo! But then Just Chris somehow found 75 cents (parking lot blowjob) and the cashier lady spotted them the other 24 cents. Road beers for the win!
Group 5: Godzirra’s harem (Godzirra, Cow Whisperer and others)
-At the top of Schroeder, when TeamSmug is discussing its awesome fly plan, Cow Whisperer defiantly states to no one in particular that she’s doing true trail. She who hasn’t hashed in months and months. Drip Lip replies back, “okay, see you tomorrow.” #TeamSmug
-Eventually, she, some other ladies, and Godzirra do the same thing everyone else does. But, there’s not a lot of lights among this group, and Godzirra is getting tired. Flying in the dark must make people do weird things because 1) Cow Whisperer, her of the never showing boobs, freely offered up her ass to Godzirra in case he needed more energy and 2) Godzirra, he of the constant ass-grabbing on trail, refused. Clearly, it’s not the ass itself Godzirra likes. He likes the naughty school boy feeling of doing it without permission.
Group 6: PC and the turnbackers (PC, Fucking Idiot, Drip Dry, One-eyed Willy, etc)
-PC, her other faults aside, usually has a pretty good hash sense of when things are about to TeddyFuckSpin out of control (double points to those who get that reference).
-At the top of Schroeder, she leads this group back to the cars. You know TFI is in that group. He’s not having anymore nightmares about Schroeder.
Group 7: That group of people in the movie that get carried away by the zombie horde halfway through and you think they’re dead, but then at the end, they somehow magically show up unharmed (NoShowBro, Sleasy Rider, 2 visitors)
-NoShowBro is famous for not being The Decider. The night before, at Ban Thai, he panicked about whether to join the hash table or not because he wasn’t invited. So there he was, up at the top of Schroeder. His life coach and TeamSmug team member (me) had implored him to come with us on our fly. But in the oddest moment of the whole day, he’s like, no, i think i’ll just do true trail. So you know that time in the movie when two characters are saying something like, “catch you at the bottom” and they think they’re going to see each other again, but the sad music is playing and the audience knows that this is really a goodbye? That’s how I felt in that moment leaving NoShow up there.
-Meanwhile, Sleasy Rider, who makes drunk-like decisions despite being allergic to booze, has decided to come hashing even though she’s super sick. She doesn’t go back with PC, but instead, borrows One-eyed Willy’s light and goes with NoShow. They fall behind The Beer Walkers and Godzirra’s harem and are just left with two visitors who don’t have lights (seriously, don’t people read up on us?). But, like the movie group that gets carried away by zombies but somehow makes it out alive, they pick and crawl their way out and make it in to religion at 9:45pm as the last group, right when swing low is happening.
Okay religion. Annoyingly, the hares initially tried to shirk their responsibility. Trail Snatcher tried to play dumb, “uh, what were the accusations again?” while Corn Man tried to go funny (“I was drunk when I set this.”) Obviously, this aggression did not stand with the pack. There were butt chugs, sleeves, and plenty of beers. But at the end, besides Corn Man’s admission that he didn’t check his own check, there were no good answers given to why they would set in Merizo in October.
I still don’t think they got it, and here’s why: Trail Snatcher was at the cars, directing people down a jeep trail to the fire. How far is it, we all asked. Oh, just 50 yards or so. No. It was at least 200 yards. Clearly, if the hare is underestimating the distance from cars to fire by a factor of 4, then their concept of time and distance on a trail is just horrible.
FUCK THIS TRAIL
On-on to anything else. (1791)
“What happens on the hash, stays on the hash...except this time. Share this fuck-up with everyone you know.”